First up had a bit of scary moment on Monday night. Mrs H was not feeling to grand. So after a visit to the Northhants doc they prescribed a some pills for an infection she has. The only place still open was Tesco complex , which had a boots. After getting the drugs she want chocolate so went to Tesco’s. Anyway there some teenagers hanging around. High class kids if you catch my drift. They type that should probably get used the layout of Tesco’s car park as I am sure the local knowledge will do them well when they are trolley collecting. Anyway, one of the little gits was hiding the bush and jumping out at unsuspecting passersby and giving them a bloody good scare. Anyway they did it some Lady:
Me “OI PACK IT IN”
Them “ WHA We just havin a laff init”
Me “Well it is not funny”
Them “yes it FUCKING is” and started getting a bit.................eerrr agressive
At this point I started to regret my bravado and ushered Mrs H towards the shop. Where I did the very brave thing and informed the security guard.
Secondly Footie last night were I seemed to have broken Chairboy..... Here is the excellent match report by the excellent Chadwick.
The Venue: Reading Uni Cage Fighting Arena, temporarily relocated in the middle of the Sahara
The Teams:
Whites
Adam "My Legs HUUURT" G
Graham "The Cat" T
Calvin "Lampard" M
Rich "Thwack!" W
Alex "The Other Alex"
Blues
Doug "Excuses" G
James "No Middle Name" D
Paul "Last ditch tackle" N
Gareth "Wheres My Finger?" H
Alex "Messi" G
The Score:
11-9 to the Whites (according to Gareth)
The Pre-Match Build-up:
(this was written BEFORE the match)
With everyone full of bravado prior to the big kick-off, you just know its going to be a major let down.
Doug "dorothy's red shoes" Gurney started getting in the excuses early, claiming to have "pulled a muscle". I'm sure by this he means that big burly chap he was talking to.
My own legs and feet are hurting from playing last night (monday), but i'm not telling anyone that. D'oh!
At least the weather is on our side, with the forecast "heatwave" turning out to be a blatant lie. Hmph. Scratch that. Having been out, its still darn hot.
My pre-match prediction is a narrow victory for the whites. But I'm biased, obviously.
The Report:
After a short 5(?) year break in playing, the usual suspects returned (minus Michael "The Scud" Biggs who was the subject of a big money transfer abroad to Melaka United) bringing with them some new signings. These new signings included top flight shot-stopper, Graham "The Cat" Tucker who was signed for a record-breaking fee of 5 coke bottle tops (3 normal coke, 2 coke zero) and a dairylea triangle, and Alex "Messi" Gibson nicknamed not cos of his silky Argentinian skills but because of his unkempt 1970's hairstyle.
The first test of the day was to find the changing rooms, with the blokes having been replaced by the birds in the 5 years since the last game. They turned out to be along a first world war trench that led back to the Shinfield Park sub-sub-sub basement. Many good players were lost on the journey.
Calvin was the first to the pitch and promptly started jogging around, showing his intent on taking the match seriously whilst Adam and Graham ambled across feeling knackered just watching him. That soon changed, during the pre-match warm-up when Adam and Graham tired themselves out in the extreme Iraqi heat whilst Calvin watched on from the sidelines before coming along to launch a Frank Lampard "did it cross the line" ballistic missile of a shot. Next game will be £500 each as we need to fund the goal-line technology we quite clearly require.
Before the match could start, there was much discussion of which ball to use. Gareth took on the role of goldilocks (from the much loved children's story, Goldilocks and the Three Balls - you can make up your own jokes about that):
"this ball is too light"
"this ball is too hard"
"this ball is also too hard, but i'll shut up now or they'll think i'm a wimp"
With the arrival of Alex G, the match started with the Whites 4 taking on the Blues 5. This unbalance in the sides was laughed off by the Whites who's mantra was "we can take these with 4". All I can say is, thank flip the other Alex appeared shortly after or it could've been a cricket score (although I think Gareth thought he was playing Rugby with the number of conversions he made).
All the media focus before the game was on who was going to score first. All of the sensible money was on Calvin, and he failed to disappoint, slotting home the opening goal within the first couple of minutes. But it wasn't long before the Blues hit back with a well worked equaliser.
At some point during the first half, someone managed to hit Rich smack in the side of his head with the ball... it made one of the most painful sounding "thwack!" noises I've heard in a long time. Quite how he managed to stay on his feet is anyones guess.. Not long after this, Gareth almost left his finger behind in the fence following a good side of the pitch battle with Graham. He'd have lost more than a finger if Graham had caught him.
Graham himself was a victim of the fence later in the second half, taking a blow to the ribs after clattering into the fence.
With 10 minutes remaining, the weather decided to cloud over and cool down, much to the relief of everyone, especially a totally knackered Adam who them promptly found his scoring boots (they were under Doug's bag). Shame he kept falling over, like Bambi on ice.
After Thoughts:
We must pay the extra for ball boys next time..
To those who asked "how much did it cost to rent the pitch for an hour?"... £50, hence me asking for £5 from each of the 10 of us.
Don't those little rubber pellets get everywhere? (including my desk, thanks Graham!)
Quote of the Game / Unwanted Mental Image of the Week:
Calvin: "I'm going to be pulling little black bits out of my bum for weeks"
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